Christmas post

well understand I am a novice at writing and definitely have not a clue when it comes to web, computers and the more I know the less I want to be involved. I wrote this in November before Christmas, I must be purging stuff cause I never sent it to anyone and I debated on posting it to family but really its sorta depressing so if your depressed you can read it but if your feeling good about where you are in life right now I say please don’t bother reading it. This is not one of my best works, its raw and really if your not in this negative frame of mind I prefer you do not read it because it will put you there. There is so much information competing for our time that there are wonderful insights on lots of posts so please move on to read something a bit more interesting. But if you(these are the qualifications) are looking back and feeling like… was it worth it…why do I care… everyone I have ever loved  has abandoned me…you feel like noone learns and you just keep spinning trying to help others and you want to quit helping, nurturing, shopping, cleaning and cooking well then maybe you can relate.Only then should you read it. Please I ask that if these posts do not relate to you please only read the ones that do relate to you and your life. I think after reading this I should get out of the mental health business. The methodology is not effective. My sons in prison so I was dusting this off and so much is still applicable that I decided to share in hopes someone can relate and know they are not alone…this is the journey of life. The hurts in this letter are far gone in the past…especially ridding myself of my houseguest (or should I say hostage releaser) LOL but woe to me I picked up the same pain reaching out only  a short time after Christmas… This must be the year of learning life’s lessons for me so it was good to revisit it and normalize the pain that brings me back to my knees again. All the italics are different topics that I have written just not edited for print yet(LOL I never edit as this letter will show) I think I must have to be hurt or mad to express myself b/c that inspires me to process my pain through writing.. You should try it all those bottled emotions …. Again I would say if you don’t like what I am saying please don’t read it.

Merry Christmas

For years I have sent out Christmas letter- usuallywith a recap of the year and highlights of the kids lives, marriages, and baby adventures. The last couple years I have been busy busy busy running running running and over the years I have gotten gradually a bit more antichristmas. I hate buying gifts, really hate decorating.  I used to love baking- but now I eat healthy so why harm everyone with the effects of sugar, so I quit baking all together.  I have even gradually gotten to dislike family gatherings at my house (for many reasons of which, if you had a huge family that prolonged actually growing up due to your overparenting, only you would understand the comment).

This year I thought I would write a straight from my heart letter. After its evaluated I will post it or email it to those I think can handle the truth or those who may even care a bit.  This is my personal update: My family heart has been broken, my political heart has been broken, my community heart has been broken, my marriage heart has been broken, my kids and grandkids heart and expectations have been broken.   I have withdrawn from many of my family, my church activities and my church friends because I have been sucked dry of any emotional energy or any desire for additional commitments or really even to leave my house. I have changed from hating pets to loving my dog. I have changed from liking, to having, my formally messy house clean. I have changed from massive meat cooking to mostly vegetables and fresh healthy eating. I actually want to exercise, and I really enjoy pure relaxation and solitude. I picked up drinking a bit and smoking.I threw the towel in on the entire protestant church and all the bible studies and radio sermons from Stanley to Swindol! The family views I now hold are far from James Dobson idealism. I also admit am a podcast junkie of Orthodoxy and I am navigating religion- I actually hate that word…Religion is such a cesspool of travesty and leads so many astray and causes so much judgement and hatred, I think Jesus would hang HIS head in shame when He looks at what we have done in his name. Lord forgive us is all I can say.

Its weird but I am actually happy with me this year (though my accomplishments have been few). This next year is going to continue to be a year of stretching and I don’t even care if others don’t like me or judge me. I spend more time with Jesus than I do with anyone. I listen to the Bible for hours every day and every night, it brings me great comfort and spiritual challenge. I started a book on survival skills for crazy people and try to write every spare moment I get. I realize I am surrounded by so many needy people who can not even fathom their needs so I feel a sense of urgency to complete my book. I run a ministry that very few appreciate and it is not busy. I love spending time with the elderly and it affords me great blessing. I help people and try to charge them what they can afford. I clean peoples houses and help them feel different about their lives. I have no shallow relationships your either in or your out, most people are out. I live a life that is quiet and rich/poor– meaning I spend as little money as humanly possible. I try to eat as little as possible and eats fruit, nuts, and kaishi bars as my daily routine. I love reading updates and praying for everyone on fb, I try almost every day as part of my habit of prayer. I have scheduled my life to tape all the shows that I grow from or enjoy. I ff all commercials. I pray during the ff minutes for the people in the commercials or for the messages of media to be overcome from materialism to the Giver of life. If I were to send you all a message;  I would say …please my life was not in vain, don’t be mad, don’t be disappointed b/c I am not who you wanted me to be, if I had it to do all over again I would do it the same. My investment into the church and family was not in vain- it was purposeful, it made me into the woman I am today- it was and continues to be a journey.  My journey, in the making, just as each of you have a journey in the making. I loved raising kids and having foster kids and adopting more kids. I would never return one of them, in efforts to be a single person or a person who didn’t have so many kids. Every one of them was special and an investment of value far greater than what I could ever have put in.  Sometimes I am overcome with sadness, thinking all that I put in, and yet it didn’t reap what I thought it would have, but it is, what it is, and they are, who they are, and its OK…. I love them just as they are, flaws and all, as they are authentically. Does that mean I keep putting money into a lemon car that won’t run? No sirree, my family and friends will have to note, I have learned some valuable lessons from giving all I could to help others, it doesn’t really work as a planting yielding results thing. Will I keep helping others? Probably, if I think its profitable, but mostly I try to decrease others dependence on any external force (me included) and increase others dependence on the one true energy resource that is renewable, the Holy Spirit.  This means I don’t help them, or call them , or give them money, or clean for them, or cook for them ect…if it… really…. won’t help them see who they are and why they have the problem they do.  If anyone can do what they want done themselves, then I say go to it, if you ask me to do what you can do for yourself, you had better be, helping me, help you! But me, actually doing what you want done! One usually finds ones struggles are a consequence for some lesson to learn.  Well, as far as it concerns me, that won’t happen again, if I am actually applying the lessons that have been so painful in my personalized learning. Words are easy! However, application is essential or it ends up just being words. Actually, I am getting better at boundaries and not helping others, or enduring others psychological blackmail obligations.  I have learned a pretty significant finding. If you help people do what they could do themselves your not really helping them, your actually hindering them from growing to make yourself feel better. Like giving money for others to go on the mission trip you always wanted to go on- or you invest in your child’s dream cause you would have never had the opportunity for that dream, don’t do it !!! Save your money- build investment in yourself and know the Lords purpose for your life. After all, the most valuable lesson in missions work is what missions does to change your heart toward God. One really does very little for others, compared to what, sending your hard earned cash to a great agency could do. Its much harder not to help than it is to help. It is much harder not to call that loved one than it is to call them – only to find out they just wanted to hear themselves talk and you are the means to that end. It hurts really bad when you help family or friends and they, in turn, take your sacrifice and spend it foolishly on getting all they feel there is…. to meet their selfish or naive desires.  Like when we let people in our lives take advantage of us and they never really get on their feet but drain us and slowly torture us on a daily basis with their negativity and blatant refusal of acknowledging the pride in their lives as to just why it is they are in the homeless situation they are in anyway. Non Christians often think “they follow Christ …. lets suck  them till they are dry and then kick them when they are down, now lets steal everything they have and robb the house then lets slice their throats.  I am sure, after all this, they will not live up to the Christian response I was “looking to sabatoge”.  A little over the edge I know,  but  its how this momma has been feeling, its raw, its real, its authenticity to a new degree. It’s a shame to feel this way but I am being totally honest this Christmas. Honest with myself!!! To think the people I have helped, cared for, and invested myself in would really slice my throat. From my siblings, to my children, to my parents, to my houseguests, if they thought they could get away with it and it would profit them I wouldn’t wager on the bet. The Wounded wounding others is just a consequence of their own wounds. Hurt people do hurt others, its all they know, its all they have to deal with the pain of their own losses. Maybe some would not actually slice my throat, but I do lock my bedroom doors and I do know for many of them, they really do not care about me, or about justice, or about God )at least not at this time in their journey. They are just poor souls– lost in the fantasy of a new world, the one they create in their own mind. Now that’s a sad epitope of 33 years as a follower of Christ.  Yet, it is through the killing of my soul – the sabotage of my family, the knife I have pulled from my back that I have been able to pray the orthodox prayer each day “ Lord Be merciful to me a sinner” Lord be merciful to me a sinner” Lord be merciful to me a sinner”  to calm all my physical and emotional senses and bow to the ground and forsake all things earthly and say  Thank you Lord You are the keeper of the universe, the controller of the universe I YIELD my life, my death, my existence, my finances, my family, TO YOU ALONE.

 I feel so close to God in the midst of this Christmas that I do not need lights or presents or family …ALL I need is the air that I breathe and to Love HIM. I am not going to strive for success or invest money with hopes it will grow, no I am gonna live each day to its fullest and be happy, live in peace, and bring whatever amount of peace possible, from my perspective, to everyone I can potentially touch. This is my Journey, this is my song for 2014.