Does any one person clearly understand your personality, your hopes, your dreams, your past, your future destiny? Do you understand these things concerning them?
Can you name anyone from your childhood that has maintained a reciprocal relationship with you? Do they know the current struggles going on right now in your personal life?
Do you maintain meaningful conversation with loved ones or family on a weekly basis, how about at least monthly, even yearly? When was the last time you called them, can you talk with them about the current struggle you are experiencing?
Can you name 2 people whom you unconditionally love, that also unconditionally love you? Is there even 1 person you unconditionally love? Do you even know the meaning of that word?
Do you have anyone in your life that you could ask for help anytime, any day, that would immediately come to your rescue no questions asked? Would you do the same for them?
If your answer is No and it occurs more than once- you may benefit from personal professional relationship help. This is one way in which I believe I can help you.
If your answer is yes, then you have a beginning network, use these relationships, talk to them, reach out to them for comfort in this crisis you are experiencing. What do they say about your current situation?
I strive to show compassion to those others who have given up hope of healing. I strive to become a wounded healer. Don’t be discouraged after you take the relationship quiz and learn a reality that currently you are all alone (the reality is we are all alone at some point). Sure we are born into family, however, its quite a feat to maintain positive relationships, mostly due to the fact we are all pretty wounded and messed up. I share my pains often on this site not to hurt people rather to acknowledge we all struggle, and my hope is through my struggles you too will find hope and a way to navigate your pain. I have a family of four siblings myself and frankly relationship is non-existent or a constant struggle, and that has been my family history for several dysfunctional generations. I also have 7 children and frankly each relationship is also a struggle to maintain. Relationships take work, people are busy and time is a rare commodity. Just when you have a real connection to one of your children and have worked out a system of understanding and acceptance they go off and marry a person your opposite to complicate the relationship… so more work is needed. Relationship is a constantly transforming status. I would contend almost every relationship break has suffered a tremendous amount of miscommunication. Misunderstandings, lack of communication skills and “being right” have separated countless families for generations. An example close to home , my one brother has not connected with anyone in the family for decades, I think he speaks to one brother occasionally but the rest of the family …nothing for years and years and years, so I imagine it is ( if you explore your past generations history), you too will find somewhere in your family, this term “cut off” has been an ” option” to remaining “connected” to dysfunctional family members.
Now Love. there is an abundant supply of that in my life, putting hands on that love, that is a bit more difficult. Could I call any of my brothers today and reconnect…I doubt it, after so many years go by we likely have forget why we became separated in the first place (I know I continue to pray and struggle to keep a open heart that is always willing to connect and forgive). With my eldest I have no idea what drove him away. I do know that none of my brothers like my personality, or my mothers personality, or my sisters personality, I am sure deep down they love us, but like us, they just don’t. I have one brother that insists I lied a terrible lie about him, no matter what I say (he wouldn’t listen or even give me a chance to talk about the subject) for him that lie is ” real ” and he was so hurt by a lie (that I never even said) resulting in a relationship that has been damaged for a several of years. Before that, was it a real relationship? Every few years it was a “cut off ” relationship, some misunderstanding and they didn’t speak to family members for a long time and then somehow they would decide to forgive, everyone blamed it on his wife, but she has been gone several years and he is still the same, I do not know their hearts. I do know that I have committed myself for years to healing family relationships and I appear to be the only one who desires relationship in this family, so I learned to accept people for who they are. I am hear I never move and I continue to desire Restoration…maybe when they learn to have relationship with their kids or a wife they will be open to a relationship with their sisters or mother.
Here I am trying to change their thoughts when I should have connected the conclusion long ago and saved myself all that pain. Now do I love my brothers? Yes I love all three of them dearly. I would do anything in my power to help them or to heal our relationship but I do not need a hammer to hit me in the head to deduce the fact that none of them have any interest in a relationship. For most men – one relationship (their wife or daughter) is about all they can handle and few want to invest time effort and work talking about their feelings….and thats OK, let people be who they are, focus on who you are and find a way to meet your relationship needs. Here’s an option that helped me: find a surrogate family.
I have had so many surrogate parents over the years. No one can replace my father(RIP) but frankly he wasn’t a very model father. My father was a great friend to others, a good husband to his last wife, a smart, talented, intellectual man. Later in life, when he beat his addictions, he became an honorable man in society. I honor my father and my mother, I know they had terribly difficult lives, neither could parent properly due to mental health and addiction issues but both loved their children to the best of their ability and did the best they could. Forgiving and accepting them was one valuable key to my own emotional healing. So instead of whining over the family I was given, I found people who could substitute modeling what a parent, a brother, or a sister relationship looked like. I was very blessed to have become part of a church at 18. My children were blessed to have been given the heritage of a church family consistently when they were growing up, although only 3 out of 7 actually attend a church today. My church was always my surrogate family and it was in those relationships that my healing began and continues to this day. My churches have changed over the years (as I have grown in my own spiritual walk) as have my surrogate families, but one thing for sure: if I needed a listening ear, I have always had many options, because I continued investing in relationships (even after being burned and burned and burned). Relationships are the one thing we have to help us as we struggle through the different journey’s life throws at us. I expose all these flaws in myself because 1. I want to shout out …I am not perfect…I am messed up… I may not have relationships in my family(which I can easily admit to and can freely discuss because not one person in my family reads anything I write, nor have they ever commented, assisted, or challenged me to things I may need to adjus). Knowing this fact up front, I may not be able to help you heal your family relationships. I want to make it very clear: if both people do not want a relationship there is only so much one can do. Regardless of your family situation, YOU NEED OTHERS, you need relationships! So what I can help you with, is learning how to develop relationships, I have more relationships than I can count, and quite a few close friends who I can trust and cry to and who actually like me…thats how I keep my sanity in this insane world. We are wounded in relationship….and we are healed in relationship…that is the key. We are not often healed with the same people who have wounded us, but if we try , if we can expose vulnerability, we can make some relationship maybe just one or two. If you can look to even one relationship, one authentic relationship, you will find some comfort and healing and you have a chance to heal. If you do not have one authentic relationship I encourage you to call me and we can begin working on that building process. Julia Jay 717-484-1253.