This blog is another pet peeve rant that I am sure my clients have heard me say over and over (as have my children). I call it “taking care of your shit”, but people get so weird about swearing. I asked all my friends to come up with a more likeable term and all I got was stool: ya means the same in some instances but there is just no way of communicating “shit”, emotional, physical and psychological, that hits the target as well…just saying.
Please excuse the way this is written, blogging for me is a new adventure and I cannot figure out how to make it more reader friendly or ascetically pleasing so I am just gonna roll with content and hopefully you can pay attention to the areas you need help in, and attempt to gloss over the things you already know.
Your shit: physical shit, your emotional shit and your physiological shit: consumes most all our time, and yet very few people seem to get it all under control. I term this “well-being”. Learning” well-being” is one of life’s primary and most important principles and an essential for being healthy in body, mind, and soul. However, not many parents, children, or people in general are picking up on what “independence” really means in this day and age.
Maybe they are not being taught or maybe they are not learning. The basic concept is if you own it… you care for it! This should begin as small child: being able to wipe ones nose, next ones butt, feed oneself, then bathe oneself. Gradually, every child should be prepared to take care of personal “self” and their belongings (bikes, sports, schedules, money, and homework etc).
Unfortunately, this generation appears to want everyone else to care for them. If there is a need its a general consensus the government, your employer, your parents, or your spouse should “take care” of you!
My philosophy is: if you can not take care of yourself fully: food, clothes and shelter you are “dependent” on another. Whether you are 17 or 57 you should be able to care for your own needs. If you can’t (elderly, handicapped ect.), this means you need to accept the reality you are not independent!This is another topic(when you have to depend upon another)
If you do not totally pay for your care you should not think life offers you the same choices as it does those who have “independence”. If you never experienced total independence, I would like to lead you on that “journey”. Some people, “poor souls”, do not really know how to care for self, those who know it, will do it and if your doing it consistently, then you are becoming your “own” person. Other than that you are just an opinion- an opinion that noone really takes seriously. If you do not have kids, you can have all the theology you want and it may sound good, but if there is no chance for application, best keep that opinion to yourself. Life is not a fb quote that sounds good- life is living the values you appreciate and life’s journey is all about application.
The least amount of dependance on others for our life choices the healthier one will be, and the more one will feel results of independence and self sufficiency. However, dependency is a trait we have all had to experience in childhood and eventually, as we mature, we will come again to know dependence’s journey. When that time is upon you ..well thats a different chapter. Seems to me todays kids do not care if they mooch off their parents their whole lives… shame on them and shame on us for allowing it (myself included I have often had my kids move back home when their lives fell apart for times). Live and learn and I learned that the hard way!
Now if you help your parents and it is mutual and you care for yourself and assist with household bills and everyone is happy that is NOT what I am talking about. I have worked with hundreds of families and I have yet to really see this be a practice but if it exists: it is the minority. For the most part, I know many parents right now with grown kids just mooching, these parents cannot seem to get out of the situation- this post is addressed to them.
If you have a problem (any problem) it absolutely falls into one these categories(Body mind soul) and can be resolved easily by giving attention to the area of demise.
If you are good in the physical realm- meaning what you eat and what you own then skip this section and move on to emotional
1.We will deal with the physical first as it is priority b/c if you literally are pooping all over its pretty problematic-or you just cannot poop its pretty important to your daily functioning. Now when I say take care of your physical stool, I do not exclusively mean this. But we can start there: physical stool is your body’s response to what you put in it so that is the first and uttermost importance for me to discuss – keeping yourself alive and properly maintained.
You, literally, are made up of what you eat- if you eat crap, you will feel like crap: normally the excess expression is runny messy crap.
Getting healthy and regular in this area is a very simple solution. Water is first and primary- one reason we are hungry and fat is simply, we do not drink enough water . We think we are hungry but our body is dehydrated and just really needs ample water. It is really a pretty simple equation. Solution just as easy, as much as you feel you can drink so as much as it is possible learn to like it- start your kids out on it and make every other drink a special treat and an exception. In our world so much money is wasted on drinks that contain additives and sugars, and God knows what, to make shelf life longer. It is the major catastrophic downfall to the health of our nation and the world in general.
If you want to learn more about what you should eat, research and watch “Forks over Knives. If you just want to take my word and move on the summation simply put is this: The dairy industry has pushed milk on us for years now, priding of its calcium impact. with a sole monetary purpose. only to increase dairy production and sales. Bottom line is money and job security, its all propaganda…. plain and simple. A little common sense here- what other mammal drinks milk of another species??? Cows milk is designed for baby cows- if you want to grow expediently by dozens of pounds: keep drinking milk and drink it alot! just saying….
Again, this great documentary really gives you the scientific data and studies and the dogma behind the FDA is “Forks over knives” a must see if you really want to learn if not …keep stupid IDC LOL. Minimize your appetite for Meat and Dairy, plain and simple.
Back to eating: there are only a few basic rules- I never really learned this or saw its impact in my life until I became orthodox and started fasting milk and dairy for 2/3 of the year- WOW eye opening how you feel- this practice has been centuries old and is biblical going back to the very beginning of documented history. My advice is: Eat as much as possible from grouped items that grow from the earth- pretty simple. All things are permissible but not all are beneficial.
The hard cold truth is WE POLLUTE the NATURAL. Our country’s health is failing because of the saturation with artificial flavors and preservatives. I even go so far as to say the childhood behavioral problems are exasperated by poor (selfish) parenting increased by the sugar and additives children eat all day long. I am not saying disabilities are not real- only that everything is exasperated by what we have done to destroy this earth. If you do not believe me do the research its pretty clear cut.
Ok back to eating- majority of food eaten should come directly from the earth. That means endless supply fruits and veggies- nuts and seeds. Root vegetables being the best source of nutrients- the more awesome the color the better they are for you. Meat and dairy at a minimum for many reasons, I will list some of the majors : its expensive, its irresponsible environmentally- (just the grain we feed the USA cows could actually stop world hunger- I think that goes for dog food as well), killing means some life must end for your delicacy, it is harmful- especially the fatty pork and bacon: heart, cholesterol, fat.. you name it, this is not my opinion its fact, look at any studies. My advice, try to eat leaner meats- lighter meats and less of them think of it like a stir-fry pieces of small bites of meat and lots of vegetables if meat is 1/4 of the dish and veggies are 3/4 then that is likely to make you feel your best (barring just not eating any meats- but all things in moderation- its like alcohol- beer and wine are actually good for you in many ways), just practice moderation. If you can’t be moderate, be exclusive and abstain because obviously thats a stronghold for you so just eliminate it from your diet.
Ok SO we started with what you put into your body thats the natural, natures best is to eat what grows, enjoy what grows, minimize things that live and breath, and drink endless water. Next stop eating so much!! An actual serving size is usually 1/4th of what you would get in a restaurant – so share your dining out meals at the very least. Eat fewer snacks and less big meals and only eat when you are actually hungry not because you are with people and its just there. Drink lots of water and you will be surprised how your physical and emotional well-being will improve.
I even go so far as to say for physical pain and emotional dysfunction, marijuana and herbal remedies are statistically proven far beyond any drug the FDA releases (the plain truth is the government has yet to find a way to make money from things that actually bring healing). If it comes from the earth it cannot be as potentially harmful as if we made it and added it, actually I don’t even think tobacco would be as detrimental had not it been overwhelmed with additives. Just my opinion.
Next on the physical plate is what you actually do- sitting at computer all day- driving everywhere. A body in motion stays in motions(we have all heard that commercial). You have to move your body if you want it to work – the best way I have found to care for my body, without expense and without injury, is walking. I attempt to do 5 miles a day rain or shine- do what feels comfortable to you – we are all different but thats what I have worked up to and that is about the amount of time I want to give to this area. Other than that I do stretching and yoga- I meditate during these activities. My other love is cranking the music up when I hear a great song, I scream, and cry, and dance my problems away- that’s what works for me- I encourage you find something that works for you . Ok
1. what you eat.
2. what you do. and lastly
3 what you have.
This is another area that has taken me years to apply. One must moderate this with where you are in your life’s journey. From as far back as I can remember I had a huge box of hats gloves snowsuits- all sizes of clothes- could not let a thing go- one year I was a 10- then 12 then 14 then 16 and even 18( in that order) and I came down the same way(not too far down LOL). I always kept every size, in case I got fatter or skinnier. I not only did that for me but I raised dozens of kids so I always thought I needed more clothes, in case I found someone that size…The same with books toys, curtains, shower curtains! Needless to say, I had a lot of junk.
I am a social worker at heart so before I was ever educated as a social worker, I was always going to auctions and getting 1.00 frig’s, couches, bookcases, ect so this became a huge problem. I would take anything for free or cheap hoping to find it a good home…someday, and really I always did! However, as I got wiser, I realized all the freaking work I did for others and they cared less. They would move a month later and I would see all my treasured gems there on the curb for the trash! Whether they were a CYS client or a child of mine- no freaking appreciation for anything they did not sweat to earn- every kid we gave a car the same thing happened! Once while working at CYS, I gave a honda civic to a dad who said he couldn’t visit his child due to no transportation. I mean it was a nice little car- it was abandoned only a few short months later on the streets of Reading. Same for my kids, never appreciated anything!!! They trashed the cars, wrecked them, never cleaned them, let oil run out, same as the loans they never repaid and the cosigning for every member of my family, it never ended well, live and learn I guess. I was a slow learner. My advice DON’T DO IT!!!
JUST say NO (a difficult application I do admit). Be a minimalist, only love what you have and have what you love! Note to self PUT the song by that title in here.
If it doesn’t fit or is not in use GET RID of it. Seems like pretty simple advice-and yet, few do I personally know that can apply it so their lives. Life is filled with clutter- too many clothes, too many dishes, too much paperwork ect… The time to start is now: go through everything.
Start one room at a time- if you think you will need it label it and box it in the attic ( its a simple strategy) free advice – hardly ever yielded by my kids, my siblings, my clients- whatever!!!!
I am only pointing this out, if you want to feel good, if you want to be free, don’t walk around with a backpack of rocks on your back or it will lead to back pain. Love it = use it = appreciate it, Bottom line: care for it or get rid of it!!! Simple truths that seem foreign in this contemporary society.
Next (after we have established 1. we can care physically completely for ourselves by what we eat, how we clean our house, and how we care for our physical body through exercise) and our things we say we want that are living 1.pets, 2. kids 3.parents. (everything that is alive) is gonna need that same constant maintenance. A simple rule is if you can’t go the long haul don’t even get it (1st choice) 2. give it to someone who can. 3. walk away and cut your losses.
The only thing on that list you really can not abandon is your parents but – more parents are abandoned than kids in this day and age so I would say they are the last resort to abandon …However, even parents can cause such a burden that you have to stop the maintenance if they are actually making you sick- hopefully that would be a temporary solution.
Showing responsibility would be to get yourself to a position you are able to care for the ones who cared for you for you life- regardless of that they did or did not do, they give you life- so at the least we should be able to give them a phone call. There are of course times- I am actually in that place right now myself with my mom. I feel continuing counseling her when my words fall on deaf ears and it is not healthy for me at this time- that’s another chapter. Although, I do still make myself available, and I am better for having her in my life than the loss I would feel not having her. My mom has been through some pretty amazing stuff and has still come out …not to shabby in the spiritual real, which when it all comes down to death is all that really matters eternally. Read my RIP BLOG and you will learn more about her. http://www.atouchofpeacejuliajay.com/do-you-need-it/
Lets talk about Pets. Do you really need them? Unconditional love feels damn good!!! You really do not get that with partners, kids, friends, or relationships. Relationships are hard work(read that blog if interested).
Oh, how I love my dog- however, unless I can care for myself, completely and independently, I should have no right taking on another living being. Everyday I start my day with some rituals- spiritual- then physical and then emotional- in the order of importance to me- each of us are different but you do what is your priority.
However every day I like to be outside. I have a small fenced in yard(finally after many years of no privacy!!!). If I clean my dogs stool every day its a little tiny job takes a minute at most, if I skip it a day its 2 min but you get the idea- less time is consumed if you take care of your and your dogs stool daily- the longer you wait the more it is to take care of and the problem worsens.
What do we do with all that stool? When we walk, we put a biodegradable soil enhancer in a plastic bag that takes 50 years to degrade- who thinks up these things?
If you are going to have a kid or a pet you must not only maintain these same food, exercise, and rest principles for yourself, but now it is totally on you to train the ones ( you wanted) to do likewise. I try to keep mine in a bucket and take it to the woods every couple days(I have a small dog). Relationships are alot like pets though in many ways- if you do not daily care for your emotional crap or at least weekly…it piles up quick and starts to smell up everyone’s space…just saying.
Often pp come to my office with 20 years of bad living and expect me to wave a magic wand and fix all the problems. Well first of all, you fix your problems not me, you are responsible for your problems not me, I am a sojourner who comes alongside you to assist you to see things and learn things you supposedly want to learn.
The problem with counseling is: mainly its ineffective and doesn’t work!
Really, seriously, statistically if you exercise together each day, you have greater chances of saving your marriage than you do going to a counselor. I hate to burst your bubble and destroy your hope but the basic truth is: you are you….. you have the life you want…. and you will continue to do the things that make your life the way it is until you are really ready to change. That’s psychology, sociology, and psychiatry in one sentence.
I can facilitate help, only if you really “want” to “change” but, honestly most pp do not want to put the effort into being physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy. Frankly, I am sick of spending my precious time humoring others with the fantasy that change can happen for them by coming to see a therapist once a week! I did that when I worked professionally and happily collected my pay from the insurance companies.
Truth is ” it can’t”, or it would have taken place previously. If you wanted to learn and grow and change b/c its basically pretty simple- you get what you pay for: you are who you are because that is the “YOU” you want to be- your too weak or lazy to expect more.
Sorry, often the truth hurts, but it surely saves us both a lot of time- I do not want to waste one minute of my life!! I want to live every moment I have to the fullest!
Therapeutic intervention, for people who really do not want to change, is a total waste of my time and yours. I actually prefer to scrub toilets for 10 bucks an hour than sit and listen to someone grumbling about the “life monster” they continue to feed daily that is growing exponentially. At least when I clean a toilet its clean and I accomplished something and someone feels good.
Back to the dog- You will have to get accustomed to my adhd writing I know I am all over the board on topics but wells that’s who I am and unless I get an editor, I will continue to be that way- unique- thats how I justify it. I truly am doing the best I can to get what I have to say out there before I die, maybe it will help someone anyone. At this point, not even my kids or friends or family reads a word I write…go figure. When I am dead, maybe then my kids will maybe glean from my life’s truth. I often wonder, is living it in application is not enough for them to see the principles work? This is really the reason for all of the writing I do, hope for their future. The hope that someday they will read it and care enough to apply the principles so future generations will have a healthy heritage in opposition to the generation after generation of dysfunction that was handed down to me.
The truths I have had to learn are all things I learned (blood- literally… sweat, and mostly tears). I have given up on talking to them about these truths b/c frankly they think they know everything already- and I know nothing- so like… whatever… why waste my words. However, if i can get important principles down in print it will at least be a journal for the next generation- hopefully I will get my works published so I can hand a copy to my grandchildren but if their parents do not have the time to even read what I post online I highly doubt their children will care. Regardless of others response my responsibility is to myself and to God- to continue to do the best I can in every situation. This is my goal, its my best attempt at passing on wisdom I have available and when I post it online maybe my clients or friend or someone in the world cares and can get something from it. I just do not want others to have to learn these lessons the hard way- so if they are open to listen I am open to rant. I guess most of my life was busy just caring for the immediate- laundry kids, meals and activities and I never really explored relaxation, what food does, and I did not really know saying NO was a blessing not a curse. SO far noone (of 7 kids and/ or their spouses)has really read any of my works that I know of nor have they offered to edit or given me any feedback…. but on I go…. its a drive within me- a dream I have had for years and never had the time to compile but my awesome hubby has let me be on sabbatical for the last couple years so besides keeping up with all the things I do around the house, practicing my rule of prayer and my spirituality, maintaining my food and body and enjoying the relaxation of empty nest and keeping up with the crisis’s that 7 kids and 7 grandchildren, I have squeezed this into my busy life in hopes it may profit someone…anyone.
Ok done with Physical stools- now on to emotional stools.Psychological will have to go in another post as this is getting too long(I know i am one huge sentence with no punctuations sorry about that, really I am- but being a one woman resource I can only do what i can do with little or no supports.
You are responsible for your emotional well being.
When people wound you, take advantage of you, drag you into their drama, talk trash on you, its your job to take care of that so it doesn’t continue. Just as much is it your job to give support so you can receive support- you have the kind of friends you are. You really do deserve your friends, family thats a different lesson. I have a friend who is really not a friend. She loves me dearly because I help her and I am available for her when she needs a friend. However, she has no idea how to be a friend back- its a one sided relationship- which really is not a relationship so in that case why I am continuing to nurture it? I have enough family commitments that are non optional friendships and they seem to be very one sided at this point in my life so why would I bring on more. I have kids I force myself to maintain relationship with, and foster kids, and relatives, why oh why would I do that for a friend who is not really a friend, and if I do I deserve everything I get…just saying…